I want to write a book about friendship ...

thoughts after a skiing accident and emergency surgery in Austria

I’ve been gifted nearly a decade of adulthood as a single woman.

Of course, I’ve had relationships and dated guys over the years, but my family and friends are the closest people in my life. That has been true for a long time but never more apparent than over the last week.

I was skiing with friends in Austria last week and got into a bad accident that broke my humerus into 3 pieces and required emergency surgery and 28 staples and a metal plate in my arm and two nights in the hospital. A very different start to the year than I was expecting, as I sit here slowly typing one-handed …

But it has starkly highlighted the beautiful gift of good friends.

flowers from my little sister when i got home :)

Sometime, I’m going to write a book on friendship and how deeply fulfilling and important it is. Our culture often romanticizes finding a partner and under-appreciates the gift of friends. (I say that with the caveat that I deeply value finding a partner and love seeing my friends and sisters find their person!)

Community is essential and that’s all the more apparent when you need someone to help you with small tasks like opening a water bottle or spreading cream cheese on your bagel (remarkably difficult with one hand). One of the number one indicators of your health and longevity is how strong your community is. (If you’re curious about this, the Blue Zones documentary on Netflix is fascinating.) It doesn’t have to be only soul-deep friends either, simple friendships like knowing your cashier or chatting with your barista or talking with your neighbor is a beautiful way to start building those connections.

And know that friendships will ebb and flow. They are not going to be 100% all the time. Sometimes a friend is going through a hard season and they might pull back for a bit, or you're starting a new relationship and need to invest your margin in this new person, or a job makes them move away and now you catch up once a quarter instead of once a week, etc. etc.

But this is to say that your consistent investment in people over the long term is valuable. Life is long and there is something special about friends who know you through many seasons. (This isn’t to say you should stay in a bad friendship situation where it is consistently unhealthy. But I do believe in giving a lot of grace. We’re all human. We’re all trying our best.) And when you are sick or injured, the only thing that really matters is having people with you.

I love long-view friends.

I love activity friends.

I love new friends.

I love old friends.

Letting Friends Be Who They Are

I’m also learning to let people be the type of friend they want to be. And believe them when they show you. When I was younger, I had one speed for friends: all-in. Besties. Friends till we’re 80. Which can be wonderful, but is also unrealistic and restrictive. Some friends are seasonal, some will be the perfect buddy for a movie night, or a road trip, or a hilarious night out, or the one who shows up with a helping hand in a moment of crisis, but they aren’t the person who you’ll walk through life with for the next 10 or 20 years. And that’s ok. That’s good. Some will be. The midnight call, the first text, the lifelong companion.

The Circle of Friendship

Believe in the circle of life with friendship. I was complaining the other day that I could never repay a friend of mine for everything she’s done for me. But I have to believe in the circle of life with friends — meaning what goes around comes around. If I bring a meal to my friend after she has a baby, they might not be the same person who brings me a meal if I end up in the hospital. But one (or five or seven :) ) of your friends will. You’ll see the kindness of strangers and witness the compassion of your friends. So jump in to help whoever you can whenever you can, because you’ll unexpectedly find yourself on the receiving side of that grace one day.

There is abundance. Generosity is never wasted.

^^ I drafted this about two weeks ago, before ending up in the hospital and the direct recipient of more help and kindness than I ever thought I would need <3 I’ve felt so loved by my people: help down a mountain, kind words, friends advocating for me, family covering logistics and flights from afar, candy from my Australian ski instructor, good nurses, company in the hospital, texts, phone calls, FaceTime, puppy videos to cheer me up, coffee delivered, and a best friend and her husband who stuck by my side through a scary couple of days and helped me navigate a 48-hour journey home. I am soo grateful.

Ask For What You Need

Ok, I’ll be honest that this is one I’m still very much in the middle of learning. But it’s good practice to ask for what you need. Help with trimming your bushes. To borrow a truck. To look over a job application. Or telling a friend you’d love to chat instead of just texting. I love doing this for other people! It takes a lot more vulnerability to do this myself and be the person asking for help.

^ The irony of having written that paragraph before my accident is not lost on me haha. I am now deep in the weeds of a several-months-long journey of recovery and have had to ask for help with a thousand tiny things you don’t even think about as an independent adult:

• Help taking my contacts out at the hospital before surgery

• Help changing the bandages covering 28 staples in my arm

• Help cutting my food

• Help to open a door

• Help to open a bottle of medication

• Help zipping my purse

• Etc. etc.

The list feels endless and I am only 8 days into this journey.

The vulnerability required post-accident is really interesting to experience. It requires a lot of grace to heal. But it can also bring out the best in people and give you a better understanding of the goodness of humans. I thought this was going to be a year of flourishing and hustling and being strong for me, but I think it’s going to be a year of being brave.

Less impressed, more involved — as Matthew McConaughey says.

Less outward strength, more inner fortitude.

Less independence, more friendship.

Less efficiency, more gentleness.

xx

Ellery Frost

P.S. Since I won’t be able to use my hand for a couple of months, please send podcast, music, and audiobook recs my way :)